Want to have a perfect marriage? Be banal politeness - do not call your husband's hobbies nonsense, and your wife's nonsense. Remember - this is a sign of disrespect for your soul mate.
"Duck" or "Sponge"?
“In life, we can behave either like a duck or like a sponge,” writes the famous American psychotherapist Linda Berg-Cross in her book Marriage Therapy. - The sponge absorbs all life's misfortunes and troubles. The duck allows life's problems to slide off the feathers without penetrating the very core."
Linda Berg-Gross's advice is surprisingly simple - just calculate how long you react to some life and family troubles like a duck, and how much like a sponge. Basically, that's all, you don't need to do anything else. Let this information just "rest" in your head. But you can also ask yourself another question - how would you cope with your problems if you reacted more like a duck than like a sponge? And again, the answer to this question does not oblige you to anything, by answering it, you can simply observe yourself for a period of time.
If suddenly you want to try to behave like a duck - you can even buy yourself a duck feather - let it be your "talisman". Have you tried it, doesn't it help? Get yourself a small sponge and moisten it with water whenever you feel hurt, upset, or angry. Honestly! This, again, is all. Try it - perhaps this simple training will help make your family life a little easier, who knows?..
It's like a tram or a shop, only at home and with family. Never noticed or did not attach importance? But in vain. Psychologists have long discovered that it is this lack of banal politeness that generates a huge number of resentments, conflicts and the very real detachment in many married couples. It seems to us insignificant - "a dear person will forgive everything", "he / she knows that I am in hearts, but in fact I love him / her", etc. Only all offensive words said "in hearts", really remain in the hearts, and for a long time, sometimes, forever, no matter how much we want to throw them out of there and not think "about the bad." Over time, a chasm grows between spouses (parents and children, brothers and sisters) - and often, oddly enough, it is caused by everyday rudeness.
What is it about? About simple politeness: "Good morning, dear", "Hello, darling, today, as always, you look great", "Thank you for a delicious lunch." It seems unnatural for "native" people. Alas, it is difficult to argue with this - the absence of such simple polite words and the presence of rude words are the norm for a huge number of families. We are so used to it, we were not taught this, our parents, grandfathers, grandmothers, etc. did not act like that. And this is true - elementary psychological culture in our country is almost completely absent. This is understandable - who would find it important to learn such "nonsense"? In our country, there have always been more important things - hunger, wars, the ideals of socialism, to which you need to go all your life - the family is the twenty-fifth thing, it will endure to fall in love, and so it will fall in love - and so it will come down …
How often have you noticed, if not for yourself, then behind the couples around you, such scenes? The woman wants to talk - the man came home from work, tired, and barks at once: "Fuck off!" This, of course, is much easier than finding the strength and saying: "Darling, I am very tired, I want to rest, let's postpone our conversation for the evening / another day, hour, etc.". In response to the scream, the woman takes offense and shouts: “You never want to talk to me - you don't give a damn about me! All men are good … and so on. " Or another example.The woman met her husband's friends, after which she blurted out to her faithful: "Well, they are morons." Maybe she was not going to offend anyone (at least, her beloved), she just said what she thought, only now the man will remember this for a long time. So what if the husband's friends can be, indeed, far from perfect - they drink, joke stupidly and, in general, are morally decayed? These are his friends - everyone knows how important they are for a man. And who defines "perfection"?.. Do you need more examples?
Please. When the husband says to his wife: "Again you oversalted the soup! / Well, these boots don't suit you / And my mother … / She dressed up again! / Shut up! / What, will you eat up again for the night?" / "Yes, at Zinka / Lenka / Vera Brezhneva the figure is a hundred times better than yours! " and so on. This is everyday rudeness. When a wife calls her husband's hobbies useless nonsense / Meets him with a frying pan (even if he crawled "on the horns") / Washes, as they say, his underwear with socks, and hers - with towels / Shouts to him: "You're not a man at all!" / "Kolka / Vasya / Petya earns more than you!" and so on, when both interrupt each other - this is everyday rudeness.
Enough, I think - the thought is probably clear. But what can be done? How to endure and not fall for this "bastard" / "bitch", if, in our opinion, he really deserves it? Is it possible to replace your sincerity with "false politeness"? Yes. Exactly. Hold back. Stop. Turn on your head, and just remember - this is your loved one. If you start practicing politeness instead of everyday rudeness, then pretty quickly make sure that your emotions will not be suppressed at all - they will just be expressed in a civilized manner and without prejudice to family happiness.
After all, we do not allow ourselves to talk like this with colleagues, friends, acquaintances? Although, as an experiment, you can try. However, this is not safe - all the connections that you have accumulated throughout your life are likely to be lost in one day. Well, is it possible to deal with relatives, or does it make sense to try to treat them “like a human being”? Maybe all of your problems, or most of them, will come to naught over time?..
It’s not easy, and it’s extremely rare the first time. To do this, you need, in the literal sense, to train - just develop a habit - if possible, never offend, not say offensive things, etc., no matter what happens. It would be nice to convey this idea to your partner, to talk with him, to agree, because the same actions must be taken by him. And even if efforts on his part are not enough or not at all, try not to deviate from the intended tactics. Perhaps soon your spouse will notice this and will also make an effort not to offend you. If, however, after all (calm!) Conversations he / she will still continue to behave in the same spirit, it may be worthwhile to think about whether you need such a person? After all, everyday rudeness is a sign of disrespect for another person (realized or not - it doesn't matter). Don't you really want to be respected? And who is your dear person?..
"Household politeness" is a very important part of the problem, but there are additional "techniques" that will allow you to express your feelings even more fully, and at the same time not offend or offend anyone, and at the same time convey them as accurately as possible to your partner. We will talk about how to quarrel “correctly” next time.